Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A classic…
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…