Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk