My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck