DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
When you’ve simply given up.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre