I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh