My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*