I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You Might Also Like
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.