crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.