I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest