me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
New mindset, who dis?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days