When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
You have been warned.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
how much for the angry fruit?