“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.