I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.