Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.