“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god