THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I ate everything, including the H.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Owl Sanctuary
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?