Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
what’s the point then??
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.