how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “