Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.