My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug