i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.