“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
It has been 3 years since Monday.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.