Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The Friday File.
car not found
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
#DesignFail
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
There’s only one good girl here!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.