This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
emergency phone
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: