If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—