Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Life cycle of cat
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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