The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
scared to check what name she chose
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
gm
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger