If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
HR said no more nunchucks.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08