[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
finally
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.