Me trying to walk in a dream
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree