“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
You Might Also Like
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Terribly Tuesday.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?