I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks