me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*