Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
You Might Also Like
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?