It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.