My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Previously On Persistence 😎
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.