Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?