@trojansauce: BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
@trojansauce: [first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
@trojansauce: [after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
@trojansauce: NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess
@trojansauce: daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
@trojansauce: [about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
@trojansauce: DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he's the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage