Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
$3 #books
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
two people or more is called a problem
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔