@trojansauce: [being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
@trojansauce: BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
@trojansauce: [first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
@trojansauce: [after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
@trojansauce: NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess
@trojansauce: daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this