@truegritrumble: ME: I'm allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You're not the boss of me.
@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
@truegritrumble: PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn't be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
@truegritrumble: I've been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
@truegritrumble: (Spelling Bee)
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.
@truegritrumble: (Going to Wife's Work Party)
WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
@truegritrumble: MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I'd like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
@truegritrumble: ME: If I go to bed now, I'll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.