Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : *throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

@truegritrumble: ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

@truegritrumble: FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

@truegritrumble: KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@truegritrumble: CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

@truegritrumble: BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@truegritrumble: *presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

@truegritrumble: ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It's fluffy.

@truegritrumble: COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

@truegritrumble: SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”