@truegritrumble: Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you've been pancaked?
@truegritrumble: DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: What're the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
M: Can't afford to send both to college, Jen
@truegritrumble: Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
@truegritrumble: DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What's your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
@truegritrumble: (At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
@truegritrumble: BOSS: I hate "yes men."
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They're the best.
BOSS: You get me.
@truegritrumble: ME: *as a surgeon* What's the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over...Where are you going?
@truegritrumble: (People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.