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Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it. ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged. DOCTOR: ... ME: Get my money’s worth.

@truegritrumble: ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

@truegritrumble: ME: I'm being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I'm not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@truegritrumble: ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

@truegritrumble: BOSS: I'm firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

@truegritrumble: CREEPY DUDE: I'll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I'm starting to think you wanna die.

@truegritrumble: DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We'll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: ...
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I'm homeless.

@truegritrumble: Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and "a crocodile.”

@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@truegritrumble: JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*