Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back. THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

@truegritrumble: ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

@truegritrumble: FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: ...
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: ...Probably.

@truegritrumble: KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn't real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

@truegritrumble: ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

@truegritrumble: ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

@truegritrumble: EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

@truegritrumble: Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

@truegritrumble: ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

@truegritrumble: DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.