Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : All I do is answer emails all day. I don't care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

@truegritrumble: PRIEST: If there's any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

@truegritrumble: COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

@truegritrumble: ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You're parenting wrong.

@truegritrumble: (God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

@truegritrumble: (At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I'd like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that's a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

@truegritrumble: PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

@truegritrumble: ME: I'm allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You're not the boss of me.

@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

@truegritrumble: PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn't be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY