@truegritrumble: *presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
@truegritrumble: ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It's fluffy.
@truegritrumble: COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
@truegritrumble: SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
@truegritrumble: ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
@truegritrumble: Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
@truegritrumble: ME:I'm a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn't have heard of them
ME:They go to a different school