Funny Tweeter

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Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens. HER: There’s not even a bed in here. ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear* HER: Holy shit!

@truegritrumble: MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

@truegritrumble: KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What's this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What's the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why's the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

@truegritrumble: (Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let's see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

@truegritrumble: ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

@truegritrumble: ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

@truegritrumble: FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: ...
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: ...Probably.

@truegritrumble: KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn't real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

@truegritrumble: ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.