Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of truegritrumble's best tweets

@truegritrumble : SPOUSE: No. ME: It’s just a costume. SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@truegritrumble: ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

@truegritrumble: Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@truegritrumble: ME: I'm going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

@truegritrumble: ME:I'm a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn't have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

@truegritrumble: ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one's for you. And this one's for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

@truegritrumble: Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@truegritrumble: ME: *introducing date to my parents* It's some kind of desert raisin.

@truegritrumble: INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I'm told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can't be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.