Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Cats (2019)
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.