[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You Might Also Like
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY