Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
How dramatic are you?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Huge, if true.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.