I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Erm…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit