A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*