Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.