Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tsm560's best tweets

@tsm560 : *puts on a tuxedo* I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.

@tsm560: All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@tsm560: My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.

@tsm560: Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here... in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@tsm560: I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.

@tsm560: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@tsm560: In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.

@tsm560: I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@tsm560: Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?

@tsm560: Me: I'm a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I'm a carnivore.
VF: You just said...
Me: I'm a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.