Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tuckerflodman's best tweets

@tuckerflodman : To Do List While in Jail 1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,"Hey why'd you start without me?" 2. 3.

@tuckerflodman: [halftime]

Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

@tuckerflodman: Hey girl, on a scale of 'Neo's mind in the beginning of The Matrix' and 'Neo's mind at the end', how free are you tonight?

@tuckerflodman: [Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
"Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick."

@tuckerflodman: [1st date]

-I'm a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh... Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

@tuckerflodman: *Snowman wakes up in hospital*

"What happened to me?!"

Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did?

@tuckerflodman: [CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

"I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!"

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

@tuckerflodman: *Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@tuckerflodman: Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I'm Pudding you in Custardy!

"Ugh, well isn't this just Flantastic."