emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
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Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole