Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Lmao
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket