we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.